a self-motivated walk.jog.cycle to/at the park

i surprised myself yet again.

first, for having a sudden urge to go cycling at the park out of the blue.

i was in bed surfing and basically doing nothing productive when the thought crossed my mind.

and since it looked like the sun was not gonna come out from its hiding until it sets, it was fairly easy to coax that lazy ass to get off the bed. and i did!...successful drag myself up - so that is second.

and third, and most importantly; for a record-breaking first time, i brisk-walked and jogged all the way to the park...alone, which i'd normally hail a cab or take a bus to. tsk tsk tsk. *pats my own back*

what else can i say.

"good job, kel. keep up the good work".

fourth, when i finally reached the park, i was sweating as if i was standing in the shower. okay, that's exaggerating. but i've probably only perspired like that...erm....say...twice in my life.

but it's all worth it; for the view i got, the air i breathed in, for the feel-good...yeah, it's the feel-good factor again. i felt alive!

caught this while i was cycling. quality of picture could be better. the actual view was 10times more breathtaking than this. use some imagination.

what's fifth?

i thought i was gonna take a cab back home from the park. but guess what? i got a FREE ride back. weee!

*************************

"where there is a will, there is a way"???

yes it worked this time. but how come it never worked when it came to the books? sigh...

(oh, this kinda post should not end with a sigh)

anyways.

.wish me luck.

will tell you what it's all about...someday

*pray pray*

mirror, mirror on the wall *bash bash*

low and grey clouds, with a chance of teardrops and a thunderstorm

*******************

i stand before this piece of reflective glass.

i focus elsewhere but the forehead.

my focus drifts back to those hideous bumps - not two but too many that i thought if i did not count the exact number, it wouldn't cut me that deeply. but i guess it makes no difference. i'm crushed already.

i want to cry out loud. i want to smash the glass. literally. i want to conceal those loathsome monsters. but what good does it do? NONE. and in fact, all the more harm instead.

i'm devastated. and you won't understand.

i'm desperate, knowing there's nothing much i can do but watch on and pray for an improvement.

*in the black hole*

i'm falling down. down. down. down....down...i'm so far down. i look up. it's all just pitch black. and more darkness beneath me.

***

let me stop thinking.

push. push. push...and i managed.

yes, i did it again!
35 on the stepper: 35 on the threadmill.
5mins of progress respectively.

after a sumptuous breakfast buffet at the brasserie this morning, i went out to Penny Mart to get some goodies to bring back home on my next trip back. came back to the hotel to surf the net and buried my nose in the novel for several hours before hitting the gym.

it's been exactly 10 days since the last work out. so i didn't push myself too far when i first got on the stepper. got the ipod music playing and began from a speed of 2mph to 5, back to 3, and maintaining speed there, then gradually pushing to 7, 8 and then 9. too fast! i almost got pushed forward when i tried to slow down too abruptly. went back to 4 and 5 and maintained.
30mins was over without much of a struggle this time. pheww~
summary of stepper work out: 10 laps with an average speed of 5.49mph in 35mins. not bad. not bad at all.

took 3mins off walking around, surveying the gym equipments. checked out the speed this caucasian man was on, on the threadmill: 12.5kph!!! madness! when will i ever get there. (this is rhetorical)

on the threadmill - started with an incline of 1.5% - 2.0% with speed of 5.0kph. brisk-walked while holding on to my novel, and when i look back on the machine's screen, 15mins had passed. whoa, wasn't that some good distraction? put my novel down and changed speed. jogged at 6.0kph and ran at 7.5kph. pushed myself to jog and run for 5-7mins. i remembered the first time i was on the threadmill, 1 min of jogging at that speed felt like forever and i could feel my organs swapping places. this time, i could focus and control both my breathing and tension in the muscles. tsk tsk tsk~ i certainly am seeing light at the end of this journey. *pat pat*
last 5mins on the threadmill, speed was steadily slowing down to cool me down. body is perspiring profusely. my damp clothes hanged on me. but i felt GOOD! apparently, it only takes a little coaxing, motivation, and dragging that lazy ass off the bed/chair to the gym, and the feel-good effect is a 1-hr money-back guarantee.
summary of threadmill work out: 7laps with an average speed of 5.37kph in 35mins (including cool down period).

with my favorite playlist on the play; instead of seeing trees and building pass me by in a blur, i 'saw' flashback of memories triggered by each songs, flicker like an old film before me. yes...that's how sentimental i get even when working out.

ok...its dinner time now that i've skipped lunch.

i deserve better

pushing the limits

woke up in GMT+5:30 today.

stayed to laze in bed with my nose in the book for an hour or so.

for once, before the tummy started growling, swung myself off the bed to wash up. then snacked on a pick-me-up bar, a hotdog bun and a cup of hot milo. and, before the determination ran weak, i changed into my gym gear (oh, doesn't this sound new?) and headed to the gym downstairs. did the stepper for 30mins followed by another 30 on the treadmill. burnt over 50Kcal/5mins. that's what the machine says. don't be laughing at this amateur gym-goer.

and since i'm blogging about my first 'steps' in the gym, i better make sure i follow through with more 'steps' in this 'journey' to stay fit...and 'stress-free'. *wink

D.E.S.S.E.R.T.S .am.i.

apparently, to most people, sex seems to be the first resort to destress. when you rant about how stressful work is to your colleagues, they'd tell you: "go home and have a good one. you'll feel brand new tomorrow." that, or, if your colleague has been a bitch at work one day, you'd say: "she must have not gotten laid in a whole long week."

i think, no. sex or making love (to show some respect to the act) is only a temporary relieve from the on-going stress. yes, when you're at it, you get transported to another world/heaven/hell/the in-betweens, or wherever, you name it. but that's only for as long as it lasts. in the end, nothing but your endorphin level changes, and you still return to your routine.

hmm...who am i kidding now? aren't all forms of destress-ing strategies just a temporary diversion from the root cause of the problem? so there goes. i have to contradict myself within a minute- ok. so maybe de-stressing strategies like the one mentioned above does help a bit, in some ways. but it ain't gonna help me this time around. i need a permanent fix instead of a momentary relieve. if i went on allowing myself this sort of diversion, i'd be relying on it forever, like going round in a loop and never tackling the core of the anxiety-causing problem. i know the solution, or i think i know, because i've been procrastinating trying it. yeah! i know i deserve feeling like shit, down with this self-caused stress.

i'm not gonna name the cause or solution but let me use this analogy to liken my situation: today, i have a pile of clothes waiting to be folded before being stowed away in the closet. i put them aside because i have other 'more important' things to do, eg: spending time with my sister, going to the gym, brainstorming a new recipe etc...like real! what's more important than facebook-ing and hanging out with friends. so, tomorrow, i have another pile of clothes on top of today's pile because i'm meeting some friends to go for a breakfast, lunch, and dinner buffet. and the following day, my schedule will be too packed with mani, pedi and facial appointments to tend to that piling clothes.

hence, with the buildup, the burden gets heavier each day. of late, it has come to an extend where i feel it in my body, see it in my face. on the body, it's a strange kind of hot flushing sensation at my back, right through the chest area. on the face is are ...sigh...unmentionables. not even the world's best concealer can do its job. sigh x10,000.

this whole stress thing has been bothering me, being at the back of my mind in the day, and haunting me in my dreams. today, i said, E.N.O.U.G.H! or rather, i went to 'find answers'. here are some that i remembered:

#1 claimed most sophisticated, up to the minute, cutting edge science is self-healing, eg: exercise, healthy diet and regular sleep, none of which is anywhere close to my 27 years 15years (maybe the first 12 years when i wasn't put in charge of my life, i might have had a healthy diet and regular sleep) of daily practise.

#2 "work in a career you love" - i've been plotting my next move since last year. let's not go here 'cuz this just might be the root of the root of my stress.

#3 having the me-time, doing the things you love to do but have not made time to. prioritize them and enter top 5 items in daily calendar - hmm...i shall ponder on this right now. in random order,

item1: go to the park by the beach. indulge in my favourite novel.

item2: go to the park by the beach. cycle while listening to my favourite songs.

item3: go to the park by the beach. have a picnic.

item4: ...(stuck at item4 for 72secs) maybe it's too late to think of more. maybe i'm just easily contented. but i can't be doing all these 3 everyday. i'll get sick of them in no time. maybe i'm not easily contented after all.

(ting! *lightbulb lights*)

item5: turn out the lights. light some scented candles and scatter them around the room. fill the room with slow soothing jazz. play sudoku. or take a bubble bath.

after so much of blabbering; if i think i need order in my life, do you think it's just an excuse for an escape?