a walk in the past

a few nights ago, i was reading my diary - dated some time since 1995.
it was really interesting reading a young girl's thoughts and rants; and for it to be my own past that i've shelved for more than a decade, i had some mixed feelings as i read page by page.

it felt as though i was reading a book about a girl i don't know as there were many entries that shed new light to the way i saw things in the past - most of them i did not remember happened. so, as i turned the pages of my yesteryears, reading mostly 'puppy-love' stories, i was excited for this 'character' in the book, hoping what 'she' hoped will come true, and feeling 'her' disappointment when things didn't turn out right.

and yet in a bizarre way, a strong sense of being a 13 or 14-year old in my old school shoe enveloped me as i went back to school of the days gone by. my clear-cut and unadulterated description of the events painted an almost flawless picture of the past that i can just walk through and recall things as if it was happening right then.

i started reading at around 2am. i knew it was late so i thought i would read a few pages and go to sleep. but i couldn't stop at any page as i needed to know what happened next. and i'm anxious to go back and feel what i felt. for a moment, it felt as though the diary was some kind of time machine - this reminds me of the movie, "the butterfly effect"; except, i could not go back to change the past and affect the present. i can only fantasize and imagine how things would be IF:
he had had the guts to walk up to me and ask for my number
i had offered more than just a smile
- "silly thoughts" but how can you blame a dreammaker.
anyway, i am glad things are what they are now. no regrets.
the only thing i regretted is not writing more entries; but, looking at the brighter side, i am glad i wrote at all.

in restropect, it seems obvious that my peers have influenced and shaped the most part of me from my teenage days up till today. when i reflect on how i have changed and grown in these 10years or so, i could point out how certain events of the past have made me what i am today. but when i read and noticed how i had over-reacted to certain petty issues, i had a good laugh at myself. i compared myself with my cousins around the age of 13-15 at this present moment and wonder if they too are going through some of these similar events and encounters, and how it might affect them.

all of a sudden, this plain paperback diary that has been lying in a remote corner of my drawer (in my room back in penang) has become a top-10 most precious item that i would keep close to me as a memento. i will try to make it a practice to jump on my new found time machine to take a walk in the past every few years or so, to ensure that a past as memorable as this will not be shelved at the back of my head until forgotten.

maybe 10years down the road, if this blog is not closed for whatever reasons, i might have some other form of 'time machine' to come back to today. (hmm, talking about this, i have a sudden urge to print and keep a hard-copy of this blog. and i should probably start writing more frequently...and, keep it private)

knowing me...

i hate myself

----------------------------------------------

(when i'm more clear-headed...)

well, maybe 'hate' is too strong a word to use on myself.
but when you know yourself inside out and when some ugly result of your action slaps you in the face, it is normal to resent yourself.

ill addiction

angel says:
MCs, coca-cola, chocolates, the beach (when the sun is hiding), my laptop; facebook, msn, and occasionally, coffee or a good book (which is rare - nowadays, i can hardly find a book that can keep me fixated on it til the last page)...
why am i not addicted to work, yoga, cycling, swimming, the beach (when the sun is out), or other good stuff?

devil at work:
today..or rather, 10minutes ago...i've just called in sick, again. (i'm just wondering how much this blog can 'help' as a reference for my next job interview?)

people say, once you start taking MCs, it's going to be your first resort when you're having the blues.

angel says:
well, it's normal for people to be lazy once in a while, to want out and a getaway...occasionally. but ME? what am i doing? what's gone into me? i always compare myself with the worsts just to make myself feel less guilty.
i think i have a problem. a serious one that requires me to seek professional help.
yet this might be just an excuse. 'cuz if i know this is wrong, then why do i still do it?

devil says:
but i AM sick this time. really sick.

angel says:
sick, yes. but not to the extend that i can't work. maybe it's going to be a little more inconvenient, but if i can meet up with my friends for dinner, why can't i go to work?

devil says:
but if the work environment might make me feel worse, then wouldn't it be better if i stayed home until i recovered. then i can go to work and stop taking MCs (for some time).

i say:
yeah. so i guess devil wins this time.

angel:
*shakes head* do whatever you wanna do. you've already tarnished a clean sheet.

devil:
but i'm not the worst of the pack.

angel:
you're rotten.

out of my head

tonight, i feel uneasy.
i don't know why. i can't put a name to this feeling.
this strange feeling. i've never felt like this before.
or have i?

-- life is short yet complicated.
sometimes you think you're doing it right.
other times, you reflect and think you could do better.
but there's no turning back time.
for a second, i wonder; what would i be thinking when i'm taking my last breath --

why do i feel like this?
is it from too many death scenes on monster's ball?
is it from too many COFs?
is it from having too much milk tea today?

or is it from the fear of too many uncertainties?

cuz nothing beats...

a drink of coca-cola fresh from a freezing can

tell me. who wouldn't agree?!

let's have some bailey's tonight

did i tell you what's my 2nd favourite drink?

there's a heaven, somewhere on earth

the gift of solitary

the music's playing
wind's blowing
i sat by the window
closed my eyes
imagined the clear blue sea before my eyes
imagined the waves beating the white sandy shore
imagined the cool sea breeze
feels good to loose myself for just a while
let my thoughts run free
transport myself miles away from this reality

***and let time pause***

opened my eyes
and reality hit me
i could see a bit of green
but that is of several puny trees and plants
standing aligned at the perimeters of tall buildings
i look into the windows
wondering if i might spot someone looking out the window
someone just like me
finding a solitary moment

NO. who would be doing that on a tuesday afternoon?
most of all, who in their right mind would try looking for a solitary moment by the window of their hdb flat?
isn't that pathetic?

but who cares? as long as I FEEL GOOD! even for that few minutes....

the answers are everywhere

but there are so many answers to one question.

angel vs devil

these days, angel's been keeping me on track;
doing the right things,
saying the niceties,
thinking the positives.

but...(there always has to be a 'but')
devil has planted a poison deep in my roots.
there's this negative thought that i can never kick.
i've always believed that everything will come to an end.
someday, somehow.

when you're having a good time, you know, that slowly, but surely...
it will come to an end.
and then it's time for pay back; for all the good that you've been luxuriating.
of course, vice-versa.

however, when in bad times, the problem looms as big as the universe.
we feel as though the whole world has tumble down upon us.
hours seem like days, weeks seem like months.
we are stuck 'forever'.
although, truth is, it will be over, sooner or later;
but, the light at the end of the tunnel seems like a long long way to reach.

hence, now, as i'm indulging myself, thinking happy, being happy, flying with time;
i silently fear the end of these days, as the clock ticks by.

my precious

days off in singapore are so precious.
i can't bear to sleep them away.

even when the body is screaming to shut down, the mind just can't stop firing thoughts and plans and errands...and...nothing-ness...(shucks, what's my mind trying to do to my body?!)

look...where the sun rises

things change...
but today, i'm looking at the bright side.
i believe everything happens for some good reason.
i'm contented already.

once again, thank you

tonight's menu - one choice (eat or don't eat)

let me present to you,
tonight's sumptuous dinner

from left to right: coke float, seedless grapes, grilled teriyaki chicken & spagetti accompanied by greens, cherry tomato & sunflower seeds.
(spagetti sauce made with traditional spagetti sauce, bacon bits, strips of honey baked ham and french onion)

hmm..considering this as one of my first few steps into cooking, this is one of the few times i manage to get all the proportion right, from the teriyaki marinate to the amount of spagetti needed for 3 pax. i'm happy with a job well done :D

***********

the day started around 3.30pm. woke up and told myself, today is a day for a tad of house work.
washed up. made the bed. unpack yesterday's bag (came back from perth yesterday morning). brought some clothes to wash. tidied the room & bath. planned to cook some dish and soup for dinner. but sis wants spagetti.

was starving since i woke up. so before heading out for the food stuff; i had some crackers and a hot choc. jot down a list of things to get from the supermarket, then headed out.
it was raining cats and dogs...but i was 'determined' to cook today...haha...big deal huh?!

sometimes, it feels great to do this at your own pace. when i do things like this alone, i feel so at ease; with no one to pressure or rush me through my shopping, i can put my mind on what i really need (or change my mind as and when). i was wondering what vegetables i should get for the greens. initially decided on broccoli. so, i took a broccoli to weigh. after throwing in a few more items into my cart, my fickle mind decided that salad would be better than just broccoli. i apologized and gave the broccoli back to the lady. i half expected her to give me a scowl, and thought twice about leaving the bag somewhere remote; instead, she smiled and say, "of course. it's ok" - (genuine smile. i know)

took around 20mins going up and down the aisles of the small 'supermarket', and then i was done. i realized i've got 70% of the items in my list, added 20% more that wasn't in the list, and changed 10% of the items (quite a good improvement for little miss fickle today)

not going to describe the detailed process of my cooking since it was quite simple. but the whole time, i was imagining myself as nigella lawson in the kitchen - with the cool spontaneity and a little bit of grace. i felt good!

for once, i was not as clumsy and nervous as i used to be with the pots and pans, and the low and the high of the stove fire.
a little improvement to record!
thanks for guiding me along, nigella...

but before i celebrate this small progress, here come's the most important part of this all;
LET'S HEAR FROM THE JUDGES:-
sis says:
GOOD! just nice a portion to fill the stomach and to crave for a tad more.
there was a "good chemistry between the spagetti sauce and the cheese" (whatever she means by that; as long as it means GOOD).
dear says:
overall, a good improvement among all my cooking that he's tried and tasted.
though, the chicken was a bit tough.
maybe it's the breast. or maybe it's the chef.

anyway, cheers to a day not-wasted...

it's been a while...how was your day?

but i think...

...this is what little miss chocoholic needs most now...

little miss chocoholic is getting a toblerone-fever!

mmmmm~ i'm lovin' it

we ARE the CHAMPIONS

the other day, when we were singing along with this song by Queen, i knew it. i could see it. i felt it in my heart and lungs. the emotions choking in my throat, overwhelmed by the strong sense of victory...long before today - the day we lift this cup up high!



like they say: it's written in the stars...we're meant to be...the CHAMPIONS!

did you watch the match?

closure

....closure. we all seek it. we seek the end of things and also the beginning of new things. those things we can't find closure on, they haunt us. they pop up in our dreams, they creep into our thoughts in idle moments, like a mind-bender that's beyond our mental capacity, a mystery that just won't be solved.... "

i'm feeling

GREAT!

thank you

the myriad thoughts that rapid-fire in my mind

i use to think that i'm a person who's tactful with my words and actions; this is because i noticed that i'm always getting feedback from my listeners by judging their expressions. every movement of their facial muscle combined with their gestures seem to tell a story.

however, i soon realized that i was wrong.
maybe i am tactful erm..most of the times? ...but not always.
during conversations nowadays, i realized i've learnt to take a few seconds for some thoughts, before i respond. i learnt that its good to be watchful of what is said or done, lest you hurt someone's feelings without your realizing. (although i was usually more spontaneous or should i say straight-forward with my words; i somehow agree that being a tad more careful with words among new acquaintances might safe your ass) well, it's better to be safe than sorry. you don't what to know what some over-sensitive or petty people might do to get back at you for what you said.

anyway, my point is, i discovered that i'm a natural observer.
as soon as i enter a situation or a place, i will begin to observe the people around there. from their posture, expression and gesture to their reactions; and if i have the chance to observe longer without being noticed, i'd listen (not eaves dropping since their conversations would be loud enough for a listenning ear) to their dialogue. from there, i'd make my own judgement of the person.

for instance:
i was having lunch at Bugis Street restaurant in gloucester, london. as my companions were busy chatting away, a whining sound caught our attention. we saw this chinese family of four (mom and dad, a daughter, maybe 7 to 8 years old, and a son 5 or 6 years old) on the table next to us. the boy was crying and whining, pushing away everything in front of him. the mom and dad's attention were all on him, both trying to pacify and appease him with some snacks on the table. didn't seem like easy, 'cause the boy never stop whining. since there wasn't a fuss from the daughter, i vaguely remembered her sitting quietly as she watch the three in action.

it turns out, the boy was hungry as everyone in the small restaurant could hear the man half raised his voice to order for the food to be expedited as he claims his boy was starving already. the man pointed out that the other table's patron who came later than them has already been served their food. the poor waiter apologized and scurried to the kitchen.
(this is just an example of some of the people i observed)

i watch. and i lose myself as i'm prone to do, in wondering about people.
who are these people? where did they come from? are they doing the right thing? what causes them to do what they did? is it their background? what were other people thinking about them? did they care? are they happy or sad? what was the little girl thinking as her brother always seem to get all the attention? how would she grow up to be like? and the boy, is he going to grow up to be a stubborn pain in the ass? or would he pick up good habits and change as he grows up?
questions like this move through my brain like rapid-fire; i'm barely aware of them.
many a times, i can exhaust myself with my own inner catalog of questions and possible answers.
it came to an extent that i caught myself wondering about the stranger at the mall or the old aunty in the bus, when it was already time for bed. i wonder if it is the same for other people.
do they think and wonder as much as i do?
do you?

i have a tendency to experiment for responses from friends; especially new friends whom are more shy and introverted, and those whom i think are extremely careful with their words and actions. these are the people who share very little about themselves. i'm still trying to find out and understand why - the human behavior. hence, it always seemed like a challenge to me, to make them feel comfortable when talking to me, to share a little more than they would a new friend, that they would come out of their 'protective shell' and talk to me like they would their close friends.
but don't get me wrong. of course i'm sincere, and it's not any silly self-challenge quest.

i'm sorry

i was ignorant of your feelings.
i'm sorry i hurt you.
i did not put myself in your shoes.
i'm sorry i was blunt.
i did not care how you'd take the harsh words.
i'm sorry i threw my tantrums at you.
i did not care if you might be bothered by other things.
i'm sorry i wasn't there for you.
i did not think you might be needing me.
i'm sorry i never seemed to get it right.
i was oblivious of the signs.

if i had the chance to turn back time, i wouldn't undo anything (cause it's the past that has made me what i am today)
but i wish i had never hurt you the way i did.

i wish you well...

i feel so lousy today

and i can only blame myself.

sometimes i think i talk to much

it is at that point of time, when i felt the need to share my opinion, and later realize that somethings are better kept to myself.
people don't need your opinion.
nobody likes a know-it-all.
is that true?

"Wise men talk because they have something to say;
Fools, because they have to say something"
- a quote by Plato

so, am i a fool?
maybe it's true that a wise person will listen and pick up from other's conversation, and talk only when he has something important to say.
but won't that make him a boring person?

in a group, there has to be a speaker and a listener. if you put both listeners together, you might as well have two mutes.
am i making any sense?

manchester united 1 - 0 barcelona

woke up around 11plus am...

and i quickly got up to check my livescore board (cuz i missed the game)
and of course, as expected...

we did it!!!
moscow here we come!
goal by paul scholes 14minutes into the game >>>


"And what sweet irony it is that Paul Scholes, the man who along with Roy Keane missed the Champions League final in 1999, scored the goal to take United there. What a goal it was - a 25-yard scorcher fit to win any match.
This was not a match for the faint-hearted. The excitement and anticipation before it, the jubilant celebrations after Scholes' 14th-minute strike, and the fretting and nail-biting that accompanied the tense final few moments (six minutes of injury-time included). But it was also an excellent semi-final tie, full of attacking endeavour, and no shortage of drama..."
(news from http://www.manutd.com/)

eyes on the prize

exactly 3 hours and 33 minutes to the match...
(Wednesday, April 30, 2008 2:45:00 AM)

-"united defensive capabilites survived the stern test as barca dominated possession at the nou camp on 23 apr 08"

-"Show your colours"
Sir Alex Ferguson is urging United supporters attending the Barcelona home game on Tuesday 29 April to make Old Trafford a 'sea of red and white.'

The boss wants fans to help add Barcelona 2008 to the likes of Porto '77, Barca ’84, Inter ’99 and Roma '07 on the list of great European atmospheres.

Sir Alex told us: “There have been so many occasions over the years of the crowd being the 12th man in the way the supporters create such great encouragement.

“If our supporters bring scarves on the night it should be fantastic. We want to make sure it’s a real sea of red. If we do that we have a big, big chance [of reaching the final]."

So let's show our colours, strain our vocal cords and roar the lads to Moscow.

reading these makes my throat choke with emotions...my heart goes all out for you, MANCHESTER UNITED!!!
ok! i'll wear RED lingerie tonight.
to all MAN U fans out there, PLAY YOUR PART! SHOW YOUR COLOURS!!!

sigh, i wont be watching it LIVE.
and i call myself an ardent fan?

should i go to west plaza kopitiam to watch the match alone? is it gonna be open at this time? even so, can i bring myself to do that? shit, where should i go?

how can i not be there for them???

happily ever after?

it was only "happily ever after"...
when cinderella and her prince went off in their horse carriage after they were happily married, when snow white woke up from her death bed miraculously after a magical kiss from her prince. these are all fairy tales. "that's all folks"

...what happens after that is 'god-knows-what'.
who knows if prince charming had wedded another princess after their marriage.
who knows if snow white and cinderella had married the same prince.

at least Shrek was a lil' more realistic.

so, happily ever after???
there's no such thing!

i shall elaborate more when i have the 'feel' :D

I don't know you anymore

(song by savage garden)
- suddenly came to me, i don't know why.
like i've said somewhere, before; songs and tunes, scents and tastes, bring old memories back to life.

it's not easy to adapt to changes that comes knocking at your door when you least expect it to...
it makes you wonder if it was you who changed, hence the perception that things around you has.

flying off on a jet plane

wish me a good flight...
this flight i've been looking forward to.
but i'm not looking forward to it now.

good-bye. i'll be missing you.
je manque vous

a healthy & eventful sunday

yesterday was quite an eventful day for a lazy person like me.

unlike any of my days off, which i usually idle in front of the computer, sis and i went to pasir ris cc for an hour of badminton with jang, emily's thai housemate. literally sweat there, as theng was only playing for 15-20minutes until she gave up. i rested for only around 10minutes - a good improvement considering the fact that i just came back from a 13hours flight the day before. usually, i'd be lying in bed or idling like a sick dog for at least 24hours, after a long flight.

after that we went groceries shopping at west plaza before heading back home.

bought some spare ribs, baby kailan, cherry tomatoes, chinese herbs (for soup), chopped garlic, onions and other stuff. had some leftover prawns, fish, mushroom and vege from our steamboat dinner the other day. so decided to make steamed fish with mum's asam fish sauce, fried omelette, chinese herbal soup, and fried kailan.

planned to cook dinner for the house but i did not inform them before hand...so i later found out that FL was on vegetarian diet that day. and YP was about to go out for his DOTA dose. all the food for two. we surely won't be able to finish them. so YP decided to leave later. i immediately started cooking around 3pm for an early dinner. (FYI, i haven't been cooking for months. and more so, my cooking has always been an amateur level. hence, i was stressed) i sweat as though i was playing another round of badminton. everytime i cook, i worry how people will think of my cooking. whether it's too salty or too bland, too sweet or too bitter.

after 30minutes or so, i finally cook up 3 dishes and 1 soup, with theng's help.

YP bought 2 packets of steamed rice & a packet of deep fried pork from west plaza after much haggling, as the stalls weren't keen to sell plain steamed rice without you buying their dishes.

we had our early meal. my right hand was shaking all the time (either from the badminton or cooking, i don't know)

anyway, here are my dishes:
(will take better pictures next time)



cook white fungus drink with red dates today:

after the meal, sis and i went to white sands library & then back home for the night's rest.

you must've had quite a day too...

what's on the other path?

" we don't know the other road, the one we didn't take, or where it leads"

but we're curious. we ask ourselves, if it is too late to turnaround and walk back, take the other path.
but is it possible?
can we neglect our responsibilities?
can we not care about how the people around us think?
these people who love and care about us.

as the saying goes, "the grass is greener on the other side".
is it a fact that human are never satisfied? we tend to look at our friends, our colleagues, our neighbours, anyone around us. we think they live a better life than us. we are inclined to compare ourselves with people whom we assume are better than us. and we silently hope that we have the same or better.
maybe some of us, a minority, do compare ourselves with the poor and less fortunate people, and then consider ourselves more fortunate. or is this merely self-consolation?

bold confession
i'm a selfish bitch. i want better. yet i'm afraid that better might not be good enough for me after a while. or better might not be as good as good. i'm afraid that i might look back and regret, thinking that good, is good enough. that i was wrong for wanting better.
and then, it's TOO LATE!

lets start from here

at times when the feeling is strong, the thoughts and words just seem to pour out from every pore on my skin. but when the feeling is not fed, left neglected, i soon forget those clouds in my mind.
but if feelings need to be fed, are these thoughts still true? or are they (again) one of those feelings that are only important at that point of time, forgotten once the feeling is weak.

i've always wanted to write, to record the chronology of my life. i'd wanted to write about everything, when the feeling was strong, when the words kept coming. but i never started.

it might have been too much movies and fictions, but i've always wanted to be able to learn about myself if i lose my memory one day. and i hope that by writing, i'd be able to do so.
cause even if i don't lose my memory 'one day', someday, in future, i might not remember the things i use to know, the things that i know i should remember.

i think i know myself best. i know the devil in me. i know the angel who fights occasionally. and i know that i'm the biased judge between the devil and the angel in me. so if i don't write to tell myself about myself, no one would be in a better position to tell me who i am than myself.

however, because devil and angel always debates, i'm sometimes confused. i can't define myself. i wonder if i'm more of devil or angel. or maybe i should just accept it that i'm the combination of both, just like any other people.

i wonder ...
is it time to start?
is this where to start?
what should i start with?
what did i plan to start with?