a walk in the past

a few nights ago, i was reading my diary - dated some time since 1995.
it was really interesting reading a young girl's thoughts and rants; and for it to be my own past that i've shelved for more than a decade, i had some mixed feelings as i read page by page.

it felt as though i was reading a book about a girl i don't know as there were many entries that shed new light to the way i saw things in the past - most of them i did not remember happened. so, as i turned the pages of my yesteryears, reading mostly 'puppy-love' stories, i was excited for this 'character' in the book, hoping what 'she' hoped will come true, and feeling 'her' disappointment when things didn't turn out right.

and yet in a bizarre way, a strong sense of being a 13 or 14-year old in my old school shoe enveloped me as i went back to school of the days gone by. my clear-cut and unadulterated description of the events painted an almost flawless picture of the past that i can just walk through and recall things as if it was happening right then.

i started reading at around 2am. i knew it was late so i thought i would read a few pages and go to sleep. but i couldn't stop at any page as i needed to know what happened next. and i'm anxious to go back and feel what i felt. for a moment, it felt as though the diary was some kind of time machine - this reminds me of the movie, "the butterfly effect"; except, i could not go back to change the past and affect the present. i can only fantasize and imagine how things would be IF:
he had had the guts to walk up to me and ask for my number
i had offered more than just a smile
- "silly thoughts" but how can you blame a dreammaker.
anyway, i am glad things are what they are now. no regrets.
the only thing i regretted is not writing more entries; but, looking at the brighter side, i am glad i wrote at all.

in restropect, it seems obvious that my peers have influenced and shaped the most part of me from my teenage days up till today. when i reflect on how i have changed and grown in these 10years or so, i could point out how certain events of the past have made me what i am today. but when i read and noticed how i had over-reacted to certain petty issues, i had a good laugh at myself. i compared myself with my cousins around the age of 13-15 at this present moment and wonder if they too are going through some of these similar events and encounters, and how it might affect them.

all of a sudden, this plain paperback diary that has been lying in a remote corner of my drawer (in my room back in penang) has become a top-10 most precious item that i would keep close to me as a memento. i will try to make it a practice to jump on my new found time machine to take a walk in the past every few years or so, to ensure that a past as memorable as this will not be shelved at the back of my head until forgotten.

maybe 10years down the road, if this blog is not closed for whatever reasons, i might have some other form of 'time machine' to come back to today. (hmm, talking about this, i have a sudden urge to print and keep a hard-copy of this blog. and i should probably start writing more frequently...and, keep it private)

knowing me...

i hate myself

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(when i'm more clear-headed...)

well, maybe 'hate' is too strong a word to use on myself.
but when you know yourself inside out and when some ugly result of your action slaps you in the face, it is normal to resent yourself.