push. push. push...and i managed.

yes, i did it again!
35 on the stepper: 35 on the threadmill.
5mins of progress respectively.

after a sumptuous breakfast buffet at the brasserie this morning, i went out to Penny Mart to get some goodies to bring back home on my next trip back. came back to the hotel to surf the net and buried my nose in the novel for several hours before hitting the gym.

it's been exactly 10 days since the last work out. so i didn't push myself too far when i first got on the stepper. got the ipod music playing and began from a speed of 2mph to 5, back to 3, and maintaining speed there, then gradually pushing to 7, 8 and then 9. too fast! i almost got pushed forward when i tried to slow down too abruptly. went back to 4 and 5 and maintained.
30mins was over without much of a struggle this time. pheww~
summary of stepper work out: 10 laps with an average speed of 5.49mph in 35mins. not bad. not bad at all.

took 3mins off walking around, surveying the gym equipments. checked out the speed this caucasian man was on, on the threadmill: 12.5kph!!! madness! when will i ever get there. (this is rhetorical)

on the threadmill - started with an incline of 1.5% - 2.0% with speed of 5.0kph. brisk-walked while holding on to my novel, and when i look back on the machine's screen, 15mins had passed. whoa, wasn't that some good distraction? put my novel down and changed speed. jogged at 6.0kph and ran at 7.5kph. pushed myself to jog and run for 5-7mins. i remembered the first time i was on the threadmill, 1 min of jogging at that speed felt like forever and i could feel my organs swapping places. this time, i could focus and control both my breathing and tension in the muscles. tsk tsk tsk~ i certainly am seeing light at the end of this journey. *pat pat*
last 5mins on the threadmill, speed was steadily slowing down to cool me down. body is perspiring profusely. my damp clothes hanged on me. but i felt GOOD! apparently, it only takes a little coaxing, motivation, and dragging that lazy ass off the bed/chair to the gym, and the feel-good effect is a 1-hr money-back guarantee.
summary of threadmill work out: 7laps with an average speed of 5.37kph in 35mins (including cool down period).

with my favorite playlist on the play; instead of seeing trees and building pass me by in a blur, i 'saw' flashback of memories triggered by each songs, flicker like an old film before me. yes...that's how sentimental i get even when working out.

ok...its dinner time now that i've skipped lunch.

i deserve better

pushing the limits

woke up in GMT+5:30 today.

stayed to laze in bed with my nose in the book for an hour or so.

for once, before the tummy started growling, swung myself off the bed to wash up. then snacked on a pick-me-up bar, a hotdog bun and a cup of hot milo. and, before the determination ran weak, i changed into my gym gear (oh, doesn't this sound new?) and headed to the gym downstairs. did the stepper for 30mins followed by another 30 on the treadmill. burnt over 50Kcal/5mins. that's what the machine says. don't be laughing at this amateur gym-goer.

and since i'm blogging about my first 'steps' in the gym, i better make sure i follow through with more 'steps' in this 'journey' to stay fit...and 'stress-free'. *wink

D.E.S.S.E.R.T.S .am.i.

apparently, to most people, sex seems to be the first resort to destress. when you rant about how stressful work is to your colleagues, they'd tell you: "go home and have a good one. you'll feel brand new tomorrow." that, or, if your colleague has been a bitch at work one day, you'd say: "she must have not gotten laid in a whole long week."

i think, no. sex or making love (to show some respect to the act) is only a temporary relieve from the on-going stress. yes, when you're at it, you get transported to another world/heaven/hell/the in-betweens, or wherever, you name it. but that's only for as long as it lasts. in the end, nothing but your endorphin level changes, and you still return to your routine.

hmm...who am i kidding now? aren't all forms of destress-ing strategies just a temporary diversion from the root cause of the problem? so there goes. i have to contradict myself within a minute- ok. so maybe de-stressing strategies like the one mentioned above does help a bit, in some ways. but it ain't gonna help me this time around. i need a permanent fix instead of a momentary relieve. if i went on allowing myself this sort of diversion, i'd be relying on it forever, like going round in a loop and never tackling the core of the anxiety-causing problem. i know the solution, or i think i know, because i've been procrastinating trying it. yeah! i know i deserve feeling like shit, down with this self-caused stress.

i'm not gonna name the cause or solution but let me use this analogy to liken my situation: today, i have a pile of clothes waiting to be folded before being stowed away in the closet. i put them aside because i have other 'more important' things to do, eg: spending time with my sister, going to the gym, brainstorming a new recipe etc...like real! what's more important than facebook-ing and hanging out with friends. so, tomorrow, i have another pile of clothes on top of today's pile because i'm meeting some friends to go for a breakfast, lunch, and dinner buffet. and the following day, my schedule will be too packed with mani, pedi and facial appointments to tend to that piling clothes.

hence, with the buildup, the burden gets heavier each day. of late, it has come to an extend where i feel it in my body, see it in my face. on the body, it's a strange kind of hot flushing sensation at my back, right through the chest area. on the face is are ...sigh...unmentionables. not even the world's best concealer can do its job. sigh x10,000.

this whole stress thing has been bothering me, being at the back of my mind in the day, and haunting me in my dreams. today, i said, E.N.O.U.G.H! or rather, i went to 'find answers'. here are some that i remembered:

#1 claimed most sophisticated, up to the minute, cutting edge science is self-healing, eg: exercise, healthy diet and regular sleep, none of which is anywhere close to my 27 years 15years (maybe the first 12 years when i wasn't put in charge of my life, i might have had a healthy diet and regular sleep) of daily practise.

#2 "work in a career you love" - i've been plotting my next move since last year. let's not go here 'cuz this just might be the root of the root of my stress.

#3 having the me-time, doing the things you love to do but have not made time to. prioritize them and enter top 5 items in daily calendar - hmm...i shall ponder on this right now. in random order,

item1: go to the park by the beach. indulge in my favourite novel.

item2: go to the park by the beach. cycle while listening to my favourite songs.

item3: go to the park by the beach. have a picnic.

item4: ...(stuck at item4 for 72secs) maybe it's too late to think of more. maybe i'm just easily contented. but i can't be doing all these 3 everyday. i'll get sick of them in no time. maybe i'm not easily contented after all.

(ting! *lightbulb lights*)

item5: turn out the lights. light some scented candles and scatter them around the room. fill the room with slow soothing jazz. play sudoku. or take a bubble bath.

after so much of blabbering; if i think i need order in my life, do you think it's just an excuse for an escape?

everyday. every minute.

it's that way, isn't it? isn't it.

have i told you i'm selfish too?

'space-travelling'

"service 3, next bus in 10mins".
10mins is a long time to be waiting.

fished out my novel and started reading from where i last stop, taking occasional peeks to make sure i don't miss the service 3. i'd usually start 1 page or so ahead of where i stopped, lest i miss a fraction of the story.
bus arrived on time. got up. took a seat and went back to my fictitious world.

was well engrossed until i felt the bus pulled to a halt. being shaken up from the hypnosis of the book, it took me several seconds to finally take in the surrounding when i looked up around me. felt like a lost clown.
crap! how long have i been consumed in this novel. how many stops has this bus seen already? where am i now? have i missed my stop?
scouted the area for familiar landmarks and saw block 102D. and i was going where? 102B or C, thereabouts. (i'll know the building when i see it) damn, i hate to walk back!
too late! the bus door slid close. argh! next stop then.

kept my eyes on the road and buildings around until the bus took a turn and, THERE, is my stop, silly! clearly wasn't thinking straight with that abrupt shift in my mind space.

phew~ how dangerous was 'space-travelling'. realized i do that a lot. whenever i'm engrossed in a book, i get carried away, travelling to an imaginary space; in this instance, the world of clare and henry, in the time traveler's wife

hmmm... :)

what's the point of erasing when you know it by heart