doin' it all wrong

life actually

when you've finished watching a movie, do you let it slide or do you allow it to bring you into its world of fantasy and make-believe?

do you stop yourself from imagining how life would be, if...?
do you tell yourself to stop dreaming because it doesn't happen in the real world?

when you become a parent, will you tell you son/daughter to make 'realistic' dreams? dreams that are 'achievable'? what are dreams that are achievable...and what aren't? will you have to slowly shape their thoughts to where you think goals are reachable or do you believe that they will eventually realize they've woven for themselves shoes too big to fill?

when you lie in bed and your mind begins to whip up castles in cloud nine, is it only right to pull the strings back to reality? because in reality, you have responsibilities to hold...?

or maybe...just maybe...you should just dream big and throw caution to the wind...

a walk in the past

a few nights ago, i was reading my diary - dated some time since 1995.
it was really interesting reading a young girl's thoughts and rants; and for it to be my own past that i've shelved for more than a decade, i had some mixed feelings as i read page by page.

it felt as though i was reading a book about a girl i don't know as there were many entries that shed new light to the way i saw things in the past - most of them i did not remember happened. so, as i turned the pages of my yesteryears, reading mostly 'puppy-love' stories, i was excited for this 'character' in the book, hoping what 'she' hoped will come true, and feeling 'her' disappointment when things didn't turn out right.

and yet in a bizarre way, a strong sense of being a 13 or 14-year old in my old school shoe enveloped me as i went back to school of the days gone by. my clear-cut and unadulterated description of the events painted an almost flawless picture of the past that i can just walk through and recall things as if it was happening right then.

i started reading at around 2am. i knew it was late so i thought i would read a few pages and go to sleep. but i couldn't stop at any page as i needed to know what happened next. and i'm anxious to go back and feel what i felt. for a moment, it felt as though the diary was some kind of time machine - this reminds me of the movie, "the butterfly effect"; except, i could not go back to change the past and affect the present. i can only fantasize and imagine how things would be IF:
he had had the guts to walk up to me and ask for my number
i had offered more than just a smile
- "silly thoughts" but how can you blame a dreammaker.
anyway, i am glad things are what they are now. no regrets.
the only thing i regretted is not writing more entries; but, looking at the brighter side, i am glad i wrote at all.

in restropect, it seems obvious that my peers have influenced and shaped the most part of me from my teenage days up till today. when i reflect on how i have changed and grown in these 10years or so, i could point out how certain events of the past have made me what i am today. but when i read and noticed how i had over-reacted to certain petty issues, i had a good laugh at myself. i compared myself with my cousins around the age of 13-15 at this present moment and wonder if they too are going through some of these similar events and encounters, and how it might affect them.

all of a sudden, this plain paperback diary that has been lying in a remote corner of my drawer (in my room back in penang) has become a top-10 most precious item that i would keep close to me as a memento. i will try to make it a practice to jump on my new found time machine to take a walk in the past every few years or so, to ensure that a past as memorable as this will not be shelved at the back of my head until forgotten.

maybe 10years down the road, if this blog is not closed for whatever reasons, i might have some other form of 'time machine' to come back to today. (hmm, talking about this, i have a sudden urge to print and keep a hard-copy of this blog. and i should probably start writing more frequently...and, keep it private)

knowing me...

i hate myself

----------------------------------------------

(when i'm more clear-headed...)

well, maybe 'hate' is too strong a word to use on myself.
but when you know yourself inside out and when some ugly result of your action slaps you in the face, it is normal to resent yourself.

ill addiction

angel says:
MCs, coca-cola, chocolates, the beach (when the sun is hiding), my laptop; facebook, msn, and occasionally, coffee or a good book (which is rare - nowadays, i can hardly find a book that can keep me fixated on it til the last page)...
why am i not addicted to work, yoga, cycling, swimming, the beach (when the sun is out), or other good stuff?

devil at work:
today..or rather, 10minutes ago...i've just called in sick, again. (i'm just wondering how much this blog can 'help' as a reference for my next job interview?)

people say, once you start taking MCs, it's going to be your first resort when you're having the blues.

angel says:
well, it's normal for people to be lazy once in a while, to want out and a getaway...occasionally. but ME? what am i doing? what's gone into me? i always compare myself with the worsts just to make myself feel less guilty.
i think i have a problem. a serious one that requires me to seek professional help.
yet this might be just an excuse. 'cuz if i know this is wrong, then why do i still do it?

devil says:
but i AM sick this time. really sick.

angel says:
sick, yes. but not to the extend that i can't work. maybe it's going to be a little more inconvenient, but if i can meet up with my friends for dinner, why can't i go to work?

devil says:
but if the work environment might make me feel worse, then wouldn't it be better if i stayed home until i recovered. then i can go to work and stop taking MCs (for some time).

i say:
yeah. so i guess devil wins this time.

angel:
*shakes head* do whatever you wanna do. you've already tarnished a clean sheet.

devil:
but i'm not the worst of the pack.

angel:
you're rotten.

out of my head

tonight, i feel uneasy.
i don't know why. i can't put a name to this feeling.
this strange feeling. i've never felt like this before.
or have i?

-- life is short yet complicated.
sometimes you think you're doing it right.
other times, you reflect and think you could do better.
but there's no turning back time.
for a second, i wonder; what would i be thinking when i'm taking my last breath --

why do i feel like this?
is it from too many death scenes on monster's ball?
is it from too many COFs?
is it from having too much milk tea today?

or is it from the fear of too many uncertainties?

cuz nothing beats...

a drink of coca-cola fresh from a freezing can

tell me. who wouldn't agree?!